not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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