Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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