there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
