Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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