and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
