I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
