he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
