i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
