i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
