Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
