Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
