i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
