last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
