You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
