Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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