I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
