Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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