Redeem this text for a blowjob
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
