I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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