I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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