I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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