I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
