im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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