I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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