Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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