I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
