my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
