I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
