If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
