The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
