dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
