I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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