Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
