I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
