What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
