you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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