best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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