I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
