I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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