so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm getting married
To pizza
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
