I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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