remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
