So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
