Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
