I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
