He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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