Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
