I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
