just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
