**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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