Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Do vagina's smell?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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