I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
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A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
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