Can i not drive my cunt home
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
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