hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
