nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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