She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
