i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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