the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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