I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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